Priorities in Relationships

 A friend of mine, while writing an article about accountability for a magazine, asked whether I had some suggestions. I immediately thought about accountability in our various relationships. So, now I share my thoughts here. Every single person on the planet has relationships with other people. We were made that way. We were not made to be alone. We were made to belong. We will never be happy when we're alone.

Any relationship in its most basic form, is based on at least a few basic principles, like mutual respect (or disrespect), care (or disregard), love (or hate). The good ones have positive attributes while the bad ones has negatives. Our relationships form the social infrastructure of our interactions with other people. 

Marthie and I have been married for almost 42 years (both first marriages) and we have been through some of the worst experiences thinkable. Bankruptcy, death of loved ones, loss of our home, career issues, financial uncertainty (understatement!), and health scares, are just a few that come to mind. How did we manage to stay together for this long in a world where divorce is the easiest thing? I think it is because of our priorities in our relationships with one another, and with others.

How capable are you in balancing the time and energy spent on your various relationships?

Time is a most valuable resource. Each earthling is given exactly the same number of minutes in every day, regardless of whether he/she is strong or weak, rich or poor, tall or short. Time cannot increase or decrease, but the value it buys for us can vary. That value is something that many people try to manage. Time is also a significant factor in our relationships.   

How much time do you spend on each of your relationships? Do you even know?

When prioritizing our relationships, it is useful to manage the amount of time we spend on that person, or group of people. It is wise to set priorities in our various relationships. They are all important to me, but some are more valuable than others.  Here is a numbered list of a possible structure of prioritized relationships. 

(Note: :But where, you may ask - as many has asked before you - is God in this list? Please read to the end, and find out.)

1. Relationship with myself
We have a relationship with ourselves. We spend time with ourselves. Sleeping, exercising, commuting alone, reading, thinking, watching television or listening to music.  This is very important! Most of the activities within any relationship takes effort, i.e. energy, and in order to give one's best for other relationships, we need to take care of ourselves. It is because our connections with others are so important to us, that we need to make our self-relationship the most important. As we will see in all the others listed below, there has to be limits to the time and resources spent on ourselves..

Of course, like we'll see in all relationships, special circumstances demand changes in priorities. We need to manage these so that the exception does not become the rule. Spending too much time working - for years and years - has its negative effect on our personal lives, health and happiness. "All work and no play, makes Jim a dull boy."  

2. Relationship with my Spouse (if applicable)
Both my parents are deceased, and so far the longest relationship I have had with any person, is the one with my wife. At my age, that would never change. So, that little fact makes my spouse the most important person in my life. Together we laugh or cry, agree or disagree, serve or neglect, but we are committed to continue doing just that, but more than with any other person or thing. Although we may, or may not spend more time away from one another while we are at work, we both do that primarily because we care, and because we choose to be responsible in our dealing with one another. So, I am jealous about the time we spend together.

It is equally important to manage the exceptions. When, for example, we go away with our own friends, for a weekend, we need to make an effort to catch up time away from our other relationships, especially with our spouses.

3. Relationship with my children (or parents)
Most children already leave the nest between 18 and 20 years of age. The amount of time spent with them is of utmost importance. As parents we need to prepare them - in less than 2 decades! - for a lifetime on their own, with their own families and lives. Balance between time with them and other responsibilities requires active planning. On the one hand, when they reach their teens, they do not want to be smothered anymore, but on the other hand, spending more time with them than with my spouse, poses the risk of unhealthy marriage life, which in turn is not good for the children's family security. For married children, the same balance is required with regards to their parents. There is very good reason for the Bible to teach that "a man shall leave his mother and father, and be one with his wife". However the importance of time spent at home with parents - while possible - cannot be overemphasized.

Sometimes circumstances dictate that we have to spend time away from our young children. In such cases, when we make up for the lost time, we need to realize that money, or gifts, can never replace time. 

4. Work (career)
People need to work to earn a living, and to take care of their families financially, and nowadays most families need two incomes to survive. The cost of food, shelter, transport, education, even recreation, continually increases over time. Employers (even if you're your own boss) demand more and more from their employees, with little regard for any other relationships they may foster. Unfortunately some bosses expect to own an employee, in exchange for a paycheck. Prioritized relationships require a firm stand on "office hours". Work hard, give your utmost best while you're at work, but leave work there, when it's time to go home.

There are definitely exceptions to this rule. While working on a specific important project, trying to meet an impossible deadline, extra hours cannot be helped. We must manage this, and balance the extra time spent at work with time off after that project was completed. Communication - with both employers and family members - are extremely important. Any agreements reached during such a temporary situation must be honored.

5. Community 
We are not islands. We need people outside of family and work. We need to be actively involved in the communities we live in, giving of our time and resources. In the same way, we need to belong to our communities, because not only do we need to support them, they also form part of our own support structures. Communities could be our street, or block, our church, the schools our children go to, the local neighborhood watch, or sports teams. We need these relationships and responsibilities, but we need work more. We need family more than work. We need our spouse even more than that. We need to manage a balancing act, but our dedication to each relationship always need to go back into its place in my priority list, sooner rather than later.

6. Larger Family and Friends
We have family! We need friends. As a family, we need to cultivate close, lasting relationships outside of the home, work and communities. We need to support family and friends when the need arises, just like we will sometimes live through circumstances where we need outside support. Care must be taken when friends are selected. Husbands and wives, including children, all need to be able to foster lasting friendships in that group, and to not feel left out. These friendships (as well as family) should be able to respect our priorities in terms of time and effort. As in all the previous areas of our lives, exceptions must be managed as and when the need arises.  

7. Why is  GOD last in the list?
The answer is more simple than what the reader may think. I cannot have a healthy relationship with any person (self included) or group, if I do not realize the need to be accountable to God WITHIN each of them. It is during time with myself, that I get to know God. It is WITHIN my marriage and close family that I share the love that God has shown me. It is WITHIN my work and communities that I fulfil God's calling and purpose for my live. It is WITHIN my community, my larger family and friendships, where I share what God has given me, including the Good News of His Son Jesus Christ. NONE OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS WILL WORK PROPERLY WITHOUT  GOD AT THE VERY CENTER OF IT!    

Do I succeed in all of these, all the time?
Definitely not, but it is extremely important that I try, and try again..., AND COMMUNICATE!